Family Building Path: Foster Care

Foster care is a temporary arrangement in which children who cannot live safely with their biological families are provided with care and support. This care is typically offered by individuals or families who, though not biologically related to the child, are licensed through the state or a private agency.
Foster parents—including those from the LGBTQ+ community—play a crucial role in offering a safe, stable, and nurturing environment during a child’s time of vulnerability and need. LGBTQ+ foster parents often bring unique perspectives and experiences, providing diverse and affirming spaces that can be especially meaningful for children navigating their own identities.
For foster parents, fostering can be a transformative experience with personal growth, emotional fulfillment, and the chance to make a meaningful difference in a child’s life. While the journey comes with challenges, it can prove to be profoundly rewarding, leaving a lasting impact on both the child and the foster parent.
Join GWK Academy to learn much more about becoming a foster care parent.
1. What's the difference between foster care and foster-adopt?
- Foster care refers to a temporary arrangement in which children who cannot safely live with their biological families are placed with licensed caregivers, known as foster parents. The primary goal of foster care is usually reunification, meaning efforts are made to resolve the issues that led to the child’s removal so they can safely return to their biological family. Foster parents provide care, support, and stability during this transitional period, but the arrangement is not intended to be permanent.
- Foster-adopt, on the other hand, is a pathway in which foster parents take care of a child with the intent or potential to adopt because reunification is not possible. In these cases, parental rights will be terminated due to ongoing safety concerns or the biological family’s inability to meet the child’s needs. Foster-adopt parents provide a safe, nurturing environment while also preparing for the possibility of becoming the child’s permanent family. This approach allows children to experience stability and continuity during what could otherwise be a difficult and uncertain procs.
2. Who are the children in foster care?
There are more than 350,000 kids in the U.S. foster care system, and they come from every state in the nation. Most of these kids (but not all) were forcefully removed from their birth families Most children in foster care are removed from their birth families because of concerns related to abuse, neglect, or unsafe living conditions., though the system also serves a wide range of children with diverse needs and circumstances.
Foster care children come from diverse cultural and religious backgrounds, ranging in age from infancy to young adulthood, with an average age of 7-8 years. Black and African American children are overrepresented in foster care compared to their total population.
Regardless of the reasons behind this disparity, one thing is absolutely clear—no child deserves to be in the foster care system. Each and every one of them is there through no fault of their own, and they all deserve the love, stability, and support of a forever family.
Foster care exists in every state across the nation, and these kids come from a variety of cultural and religious backgrounds. They range in age from infants to young adults, (depending on the state’s age of majority) with their average age being 7-8 years. We are not surprised to report aht Balck and African American people are over-represented based on their total
According to a 2019 study published in Pediatrics, a monthly peer-reviewed medical journal published by the American Academy of Pediatrics, more than 30 percent of children in foster care identify as LGBTQ+. These kids are more likely to suffer harassment and abuse while in foster care. Their sexual orientation or gender identity has led them to be abandoned by their birth families only to find themselves entering a system that often doesn’t provide the support or safe space they need. Instead, they are much more likely to suffer harassment and abuse while in foster care.
3. Is fostering the right way to start my family?
If your goal is to adopt a child from the foster care system, you will achieve that goal eventually! It just may not be the first child who comes to stay with you — or even your fifth. But if you approach fostering with the intention of making a lifelong impact in a child’s life, and you trust that a child will eventually become “your child,” being a foster parent can be an incredibly rewarding experience.
You may form a deep bond with the child or children in your care, and they may do the same with you, but as a foster parent, you must support the primary goal of reunification—bringing families back together. And when the time comes for a child to leave your care, it can be truly heartbreaking.
One thing to ask yourself is, “Am I driven by the desire to give a child a supportive, safe and loving home, no matter how temporary?” If your answer is “yes,” you could be making a positive difference in a child’s life that goes far beyond what you may ever see or understand.
Deciding if fostering a child is right for you involves serious soul searching. It requires being honest with yourself and taking inventory of your own capabilities and limitations. For example, could you foster an infant? What about an older teen or siblings who want to stay together? Are you prepared to raise a child with a different race or ethnicity? Do you support the overall goal of reunifying a child with their family of origin?
There are many paths to parenthood, and only you can decide which is the best one for your family-building. If you decide that fostering is not the path you plan to pursue, that is completely fine, too. Please note that even so, there are many ways to support children in foster care short of becoming a foster parent — like serving as a mentor or donating to a reputable foster agency with a special passion for LGBTQ+ family-building.
4. What is foster care like from the child's perspective?
It’s important to understand how children in foster care think and feel. They have had their lives disrupted. Many have experienced significant trauma: Being removed from your family is itself a traumatic experience! So it’s only natural that your foster child placement may be suspicious of new adults entering their lives.
When heading to a foster home, a child may be thinking, “How long will I stay here?” or “Will I have to change schools?” Some may wonder, “Will my [birth] parents think I don’t love them?” or “Will I be abused again?” or “Will I ever see my siblings again?” They may be understandably angry, sad and feel lonely and isolated.
A significant part of the process to become a foster parent involves training and learning how best to support your child emotionally. This involves mad listening skills! And no one is better equipped to talk about the impact of foster care on children than the children who have been there. Foster Club, an organization dedicated to helping young people realize their personal potential, (both in and from foster care,) publishes a blog called Youth Perspective. Read about their experiences and their hopes for the future here.
5. Are there are rights or protections for LGBTQ+ folks who wish to become foster parents?
The first thing you should know is that LGBTQ+ folks can absolutely become foster parents. This has been the case since June 2015, thanks to a Supreme Court ruling that struck down all bans on same-sex marriage. More specifically, on March 31, 2016, a Mississippi federal judge ruled that the state’s ban on same-sex couples was unconstitutional, making that state the last in the nation to have such a law overturned. Since then, LGBTQ+ foster care and adoption has been legal in all 50 states and Washington, DC.
Even so, there are important nuances you should understand before starting your journey.
Many sates have since passed bills that allow tax-funded child welfare agencies to legally discriminate against prospective LGBTQ parents on the basis of religious objections. (Alternatively, other states have passed pro-LGBTQ bills forbidding this discrimination.) These laws often target single people as well, and have even been used to target people of different faiths. For this reason, it is important to know the foster care laws in your state.
What does this mean? It is very important to make sure that you work with an agency that is not only reputable and reliable, but is also a leader in LGBTQ+ family-building. Even the most conservative reddest of states will have at least one inclusive agency — and the coaches at GWK Academy are happy to connect you with one or more of these agencies.
6. What is a home study?
A home study is an important requirement for every foster and adoptive family. While it is labor intensive, you should know that the purpose of the home study is NOT to deter prospective parents. Rather, the primary purpose is to ensure you are taking the time needed to really evaluate what kind of parent you will be, and what types of placements you believe you are best suited for.
The name ‘Home Study’ is misleading — as the process is about much more than having a social worker visit your home. It includes background checcks and interviews with each member of your household, examinations of your financial, physical and mental health, your educational background, your parenting plans and style, and guidance for training. It is also a vital tool in preparing your growing family for the questions and realities ahead: race, identity, belonging, grief, curiosity about birth family, answering nosy questions from strangers and teaching your child how to respond to racial bias are some of the common themes addressed during this process.
It may seem overwhelming, just keep in mind that the whole process is really meant to help build your capacity to be the best, and most prepared, parent you can possibly be.
For more information on how to prepare for the Home Study please enroll in GWK Academy.
7. What is the process for becoming a foster parent?
Although the foster system is managed differently state-to-state, the overall process is similar no matter where you live.
Here are the key steps of a foster journey:
a. Choose your foster agency. We strongly encourage you to check out 2-3 agencies as part of your due diligence, which could mean attending an orientation or information session for each agency, reviewing their applications, participating in at least one interview / informational call, meeting some of the staff (and, especially, your social worker), getting an understanding of their passion for and experience with LGBTQ+ family-building, and checking out their training program.
Once you finalize your agency, you’ll have to complete their application, conduct your home study, and complete your training. When all these steps have been completed — typically 4-7 months — you are ready to be matched with your first placement.
8. What are all the different foster parenting options?
There are several different foster parenting options, which are listed below. One thing they all have in common? They each require you to become officially approved or licensed and to participate in ongoing training sessions.
Foster-Adopt
Foster parents matched with a child freed for adoption often end up adopting the child. (Also referred to as “foster-to-adopt”)
Foster Parent
Most foster parents start out being placed with a child or children who are in urgent need of a safe and nurturing home. Close to half of all kids placed in foster care will be reunified with someone from their birth family, so it is possible to provide a temporary home to multiple children before being placed with a child freed for adoption. Stays can be quite short or extend over many months or even years. Foster parents are committed to the wellbeing of the child and to partnering with child welfare professionals and the child’s birth family for the best possible outcome.
Kinship Care
This term describes relatives or other individuals from the child’s past, such as a teacher, coach, or scout leader, who take on the role of caring for the child. It is a great alternative for children who cannot be reunified with their immediate birth family members.
Emergency Care
Some foster families are only available to provide short-term, emergency shelter for children until a relative or other foster placement can be found. Because children can be removed from their homes at any time and on any day, sometimes emergency care is needed while the child welfare professional seeks out a suitable option. Typically, foster families who provide emergency care may have a child for just a few hours or days.
Respite Care
These caregivers provide short-term care for a child living with another foster family. It could be for an evening, a few days or a weekend. The idea is to provide the more permanent foster family with a break and time to re-charge or to attend a personal matter that requires them to travel.
Respite and Emergency Care are great ways to see if becoming a foster parent is the right choice for you.
9. Myths About Foster Care
Thanks to TV shows, movies and rare but shocking stories that find their way to mainstream media, there are several common myths about foster parents and the children in their care. Unsurprisingly, most of these preconceived notions and stereotypes are not remotely accurate or true.
Myth #1
Children in foster care are juvenile delinquents or have severe behavioral issues. Nothing could be further from the truth! Foster children are in the system for many different reasons — typically due to neglect or abuse or unsafe living conditions. But one thing they all have in common is that they are in the system through no fault of their own! Many kids have parents trying their best but who don’t have the education or tools needed to adequately care for their children.
Myth #2
Only heterosexual and married couples can adopt from foster care. Our friends at the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption address this best. “Families who foster or adopt are as unique and diverse as the children in their care, and children in foster care do not need to wait for some specific notion of family.” There are all kinds of loving families. In fact, same-sex couples are four times more likely to adopt a child than opposite-sex couples. And nearly a third of adoptive children live in single-parent homes. The bottom line is that children in foster care need adults who will commit to caring for them, to understanding the trauma they have experienced and to supporting them.
Myth #3
Some states prevent same-sex couples from adopting. This one does have roots in reality. It is true that each state creates its own laws regarding foster care and adoption, and it’s also true that some states continue to permit discrimination by child welfare agencies that do not receive federal funding. However, LGBTQ+ couples and singles can become parents through foster care in every state. Those living in the most conservative state just need to make sure to find agencies and professionals who do not discriminate against LGBTQ+ family-building.
Myth #4
I’m too old to foster or adopt a child. There are millions of children being raised by grandparents across the U.S. There is no perfect age to become a parent, although different states and agencies may have restrictions on the maximum number of years allowed between the child’s age and the parent’s age.
Myth #5
Medical issues prevent me from fostering or adopting a child. Neither illness nor past addictions necessarily disqualify prospective foster parents. Those living with HIV or cancer, for example, are certainly eligible to adopt. As long as your illness is being managed properly and doesn’t interfere with your ability to provide a safe, stable and nurturing home you have nothing to worry about. Those in recovery should note that some agencies may require a substantial period of sobriety before starting the foster process, and those with past illnesses may have to wait until their illness is considered in complete remission. The intention is not discriminatory, but rather a way to ensure that you will be prepared to parent a child who may require a significant amount of your energy and attention. The best interest of the child always comes before that of the foster parent.
Myth #6
It’s expensive to foster a child. Actually, the opposite is true. Compared to other paths to parenthood, including private adoption and surrogacy, foster care is very inexpensive. The average cost to become a foster parent ranges from $0 – $1,500. Financial support is usually available to help care for a foster child and, in fact, can continue post-adoption by way of federal and state tax credits, employer benefits, assistance with college expenses for older youth and more. You do not need to be wealthy to foster or adopt a child. You don’t even need to own your own home!
Myth #7
Biological parents can later “reclaim” their children. This is a common misconception, but it just isn’t true. Once a child’s birth parents have had their rights terminated, they cannot regain custody. Period. Adoption is permanent and adoptive parents enjoy the same rights and responsibilities as parents whose children are born to them. Open adoptions of children in foster care is becoming more common, and it allows the adopted child to maintains some level of contact with his/her birth parents. There is no right or wrong way to define your open adoption, and adoptive parents typically work with birth parents to set rules for their open adoption.
Other FAQs
What is gay surrogacy?
Surrogacy allows gay men to have a biological connection to their child. The most common version of gay male surrogacy involves the intended dad or dad couple working with the egg of one woman to create an embryo, which another woman (called the "surrogate" or "gestational carrier") then carries to term.
What are gay surrogacy options?
Gay surrogacy options in the U.S.A. are either Gestational or Traditional. Commercial surrogacy involves paying the surrogate: altruistic surrogacy does not.
- Gestational Surrogacy: In a gestational surrogacy arrangement, you will work with two women to create your family. The first woman will supply the eggs, which will be made into a fertilized egg, and the second woman (the surrogate) will carry the fertilized embryo to term. This means the surrogate will not be genetically related to the resulting child. This is the most common form of surrogacy practiced in the United States.
- Traditional Surrogacy: In this type of an arrangement, you will work with a surrogate who uses her own eggs to complete your gay surrogacy jounrey. This means she will be genetically related to the resulting child. This form of surrogacy is not practiced as often, and is illegal in some states.
- Commercial Surrogacy: In commercial surrogacy, a surrogate is paid by the intended parents for carrying and delivering a child for them. Commercial surrogacy is legal in most, but not all, states.
- Altruistic Surrogacy: In altruistic surrogacy, a carrier, typically a friend or family member of the intended parent, will agree to carry a child for you for free. Altruistic surrogacy is legal in every state in the United States, and in many countries abroad.
How does gay surrogacy work?
Gay surrogacy will look a little bit different for everyone, but here are the steps you can expect in most gay male surrogacy journeys.
- Step 1: Hire Professionals: First, you will find and hire your LGBTQ competent surrogacy professionals.
- Step 2: Decide Whos Sperm to Use: For a gay couple surrogacy process, you will then need yo decide on whose sperm to use. You will then need to conduct some tests on the sperm to make sure it is viable.
- Step 3: Choose an Egg Donor and Create Embryos: Next you will select your egg donor, and your IVF clinic will help you create embryos.
- Step 4: Match with a Surrogate: Now it’ll be time to match with a surrogate — your surrogacy agency will help you find and match with a surrogate who will be a great fit for your gay surrogacy journey.
- Step 5: Embryo Transfer: Once your surrogate is screened and cleared, you will then transfer your embryos to your surrogate’s uterus through IVF.
- Step 6: Pregnancy and Birth: Lastly comes your surrogate’s pregnancy — and the birth of your baby!
What is the difference between a gestational carrier vs surrogate?
The difference between a surrogate and a gestational carrier is that the surrogate’s eggs are used in the creation of the baby, so she is biologically connected to the baby. Most gay surrogacy journeys instead involve a gestational carrier, who carries the embryo created by fertilizing the egg donated by another woman in a lab, and then implanting it in the carrier to carry to term.
How do I find the best surrogacy agencies for a gay surrogacy journey?
It’s important to work with a surrogacy agency with a long track record of success and passion for helping gay, bi and trans men become dads through surrogacy. Your surrogacy agency will help you with: matching with a surrogate; securing needed insurance for your surrogate and egg donor; legal services; mental health services; and escrow management.
To find an agency that will be the best fit for your gay surrogacy journey, be prepared to ask some questions during your intake process. Ask the agency what their success rate is like, and how long they have been in business. You will also want to ask how many gay surrogacy journeys they have helped complete — and ask to speak to previous LGBTQ clients. You will also want to know about their cost structure and price. For a list of GWK-vetted and approved surrogacy agencies, click here.
How do I find the best IVF clinics for a gay male surrogacy journey?
It’s important to work with an IVF clinic with a long track record of success and passion for helping gay, bi and trans men become dads through surrogacy. What is an IVF clinic used for? Your fertility clinic will help you: analyze your sperm; conduct recessive gene testing; conduct medical screenings of your surrogate and egg donor; create and transfer your embryos; and store any remaining embryos for future use.
To find a fertility clinic that will be the best fit for your surrogacy journey, be prepared to ask some questions during your intake process. Ask the doctor / clinic what their success rate is like, and how long they have been in business. You will also want to ask how many gay surrogacy journeys they have helped complete — and ask to speak to previous LGBTQ clients. You will also want to know about their cost structure and price.
Finally, you can and should also visit the SART website, the primary organization of professionals dedicated to the practice of IVF, or assisted reproductive technology (ART).
How expensive is surrogacy for gay parents?
Surrogacy for gay parents average between $135,000 to $200,000 or more. There are four main areas that cover the costs of a gay surrogacy journey::
- Agency fees: $35,000 - $55,000: The agency fees refer to the professional costs associated with the coordination of your journey, legal work, social work screening, and the surrogate matching process. This includes all the associated services of the journey itself. Reputable agencies will ensure these costs are transparent and accessible — including a timeline of when certain expenses are expected to be paid.
- IVF clinic: $25,000 - $50,000: The main fees incurred at your fertility clinic will be those associated with screening your egg donor, surrogate, and you — as well as those incurred during the embryo creation and transfer processes. There is a lot of variability in costs that can occur, however, depending on your unique set of circumstances.
- Gestational carrier and egg donor: $60,000 to $80,000: These costs include the compensation to gestational carriers and egg donors, any needed travel costs, and any contingency fees that might arise — like bedrest or a c-section. Additional costs come from legal expenses, which are charged separately from the agency fee, and range from $8,000-$10,000 if all goes well. You may also need to cover costs associated with travel and accommodations for your surrogate and egg donor.
- Insurance: $15,000 to $30,000: You will also need to make sure both your surrogate and egg donor have insurance. Sometimes, a surrogate’s own insurance policy will cover her pregnancy, but increasingly they won’t. You will also need to pay for insurance for egg donors, who aren’t allowed to use their own insurance for any part of the egg donation process. International parents may have additional insurance costs to consider, because their baby will often not be covered under their own home insurance plan. That means they will have to buy insurance for their baby or babies.